Never Send a Man to Costco

If I had to make a choice between sending my husband to Costco or getting a root canal, my only question would be: novocaine or general anesthesia? Never send a man to Costco. At least not alone, without a person of the female persuasion.

Do you remember the story of Jack and the Beanstalk? Jack’s mom sends him to buy a cow so they can have milk. Instead he meets a smack-talking charlatan who hoodwinks him into buying some magic beans. Beans, for crying out loud! They aren’t even in the dairy food group! Eventually, he comes face-to-face with a giant. This is what will happen if you send your hubby to Costco. Only, he won’t just meet the giant, he will bring him home. Giant Tub of Mayonnaise. Giant Jar of Garbanzo Beans. Giant Rolls of Toilet Paper. The garbanzo beans are not magical.

I am convinced that something happens to a man’s brain when he steps inside Costco. Actually, I think it begins when the coupon book arrives in the mail. The coupon book is  pornography. He quickly grabs it from the mail box and then secretly runs to the bathroom to salivate over the centerfold, Miss Cascade, in all her curvy, shimmery, green glory. He tells me he reads it for the articles.

So, back to the altered brain chemistry. If you are shopping at Costco or Vons, what’s the difference? You are still shopping. But somehow, buying things in a zillion-foot warehouse while pushing a  Hummer-sized shopping cart makes men feel empowered. They are not simply shopping. Oh no, that’s what the little woman doesThey are hunting, they are providing, they are leading the tribe. They don’t admit this, however. They just say they are looking for a bargain. But when my husband grabs that 20 lb slab of cheese and dumps it in the cart, he mentally thumps his chest and struts his stuff down Aisle 34. Because you just never know when a horde of cheese-loving neighbors will pop in and what will you serve them if you don’t have pepperjack on hand? He has saved the day and, in the process, asserted his male superiority over the chumps, the hacks, who weren’t fast enough or smart enough to grab the cheese first. It’s a jungle out there and only the fittest survive.

But men love bargains too, just as much as women. Women’s love of bargains is usually emotion driven. Those shoes are cute and they are half price now. Only $500, down from $1,000, but darn it, they are just SO cute! I would be crazy not to buy them. Men love bargains based on logic. I don’t need 50 boxes of Cheez-Its, but for that price it breaks down to pennies per unit. I would be crazy not to buy them. Oh, and the cases of beer to wash it all down with. Plus, I now have some crackers to serve the pepperjack on. The horde will love me for my practicality. Last fall when Costco was giving out flu shots, he got 50 just because they were such a good deal.

The practical side also kicks in on (or should I say kicks the butt of) the romantic side. I should have suspected something on date night he said he needed to stop quickly at Costco. Really? A Costco quickie? After snacking on all the free samples he comes to the conclusion that dinner out would be a waste of time and money. Hey, we are full and just spent 45 minutes together, gazing into each other’s eyes as we bit into free Pigs-in-a-Blanket. A woman can’t ask for more romance than that!

My main gripe, though, about why men should not shop at Costco is because they spend a Saudi prince’s fortune and yet come back with nothing! Nada. Zilch. Zero. At least Jack brought back some eggs, and they were golden, to boot. I would be happy with plain, old eggs. On average, my husband will spend $200 per trip and we will still have nothing for dinner. But we will have 500 Gillette razors so never fear, my dear, no hairy armpits for you.

So, I put the 50 lb tub of mayonnaise in the middle of the table, hand every one a spoon and say, “Dig in.” And here’s a Budweiser to wash it all down with, kids. Don’t worry if the spoons get messy because we have the lovely Miss Cascade who is not only sexy, but practical. A double feat the average woman can never hope to attain. I hate Miss Cascade.

On the upside, though, we do have a bunker’s worth of toilet paper. When Armageddon hits and there is a supermarket panic run on the essentials the leader of the tribe has our asses covered. And the horde’s too because they will still be at our house eating their way through months’ worth of pepperjack and Cheez-Its. And we will lift our baby-bottom smooth armpits to him in salute to his great ability to provide.

14 thoughts on “Never Send a Man to Costco

  1. Don’t you find that the true things in life are the funniest? You can’t make the stuff up! Thanks for visiting and following. I will be heading over to your neck of the woods soon and reading your posts.

  2. Ouch!!! The truth stings. . . and stinks. As a member of the male persuasion I have long since learned that it’s counter-productive to venture into Costco alone. I don’t like to set foot inside the store unless I’ve got the whole family with me. That way I get five samples at each of the stations instead of one after having reminded the other four in my tribe that none of the stuff that is being given away is heart-healthy, vegan or on their diets so they must of course give it all to me.

    By the way, when I’ve got a wad of cash to blow and I’m hungry for more than just the free samples I like to spring for the $1.50 hot dog and soda combo that’s sold just outside the store in the food court. I make sure to down the dog, the soda and a refill while enjoying the ambiance of the bistro-like surroundings. Then I grab another soda refill to carry inside the store with me while I shop, and then of course stop by the food court for my fourth cup of soda just before hitting the road for the long trek home. I only wish the cups were larger.

    I love your blog mamacita. Thanks for making me laugh.

    • You might also wish for a larger bladder after all those refills! I like the way you have figured out to work the system to your advantage with the free samples. It is people like you who may soon put Costco out of business! Thanks for stopping by and responding with wit and humor. 🙂

  3. Made me laugh! Going to Costco will be more fun after reading this–I dare not send husband. And you are right on about the $200 every visit thing. It really is a funny place to go. Just looking at the other worn out, disheveled shoppers, who undoubtedly look better than I do, makes for good people watching. The people who only shop at Trader Joe’s are really missing out.

    Here it is again, almost 1:00 a.m.! Your fault! The later it gets, the edgier you write. Quickies at Costco indeed. Which aisle?

  4. Hi Pam – any friend of Annmarie’s is a friend of mine. She is such a wonderful, classy lady! Happy to add a little jocularity to your day. Thanks for visiting, and please stop by again! 🙂

  5. Hee hee. Amusing. XD

    Honestly though, my husband isn’t like that when it comes to food. He’s as conscious about the food budget and our true nutritional needs as I am. Perhaps (read: “probably” ) more than I am.

    Also, he can’t stand free samples of tiny food. It’s a combination of not quite trusting the cleanliness of the person making it and wanting more than just a bite of any one thing. lol

  6. A Costco trip will completely wipe out any food budget, so count yourself fortunate you have such a careful shopper of a husband! Ah, the samples, so tiny they leave you wanting more. But I guess, that is what gets you to blow the food budget! Thanks for stopping by and following Hip Mama Media, Liz! Welcome!

  7. Great post, Maria. My wife and I have the same experience at Costco, and we always go together. The enormous shopping cart never looks full, but we somehow manage to spend $400, then go home and there’s nothing to eat except Chips Ahoy cookies and a lot of pickles. And we don’t even have a Costco close by; we have to pay a $44 toll to cross a bridge to get to the nearest one, then another $50 to renew our membership, all so we can buy an assortment of huge muffins that all taste exactly the same. But as you said, things could be worse: I could go by myself.

  8. Wow: this is true dedication if you are already out $94 before even setting foot inside the warehouse! This strange combination of Chips Ahoy and pickles makes me wonder if your family won’t be adding another member which would justify the jaunts to Costco and the huge shopping carts. I am sure you are familiar with the book, “If You Give a Moose a Mufffin.” It was probably written by someone like you who had 100 same-tasting muffins they needed to unload.

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